Thinking

So, I was thinking about Dad tonight.
I can't deal with the time of his passing because it still doesn't seem real to me. It is times like this that it hits me, times when I could just really use his input, a word or a phrase to let me know that I am okay.
The shorts in winter, the manhattan and nap on the couch on a sunday.
With all that has happened, the fucked up way my life has become, I am sitting here with tears falling down my cheeks, wishing that I could go up to my parent's tomorrow and hear my dad, a few minutes after entering the door, exclaim "M****!" and then fawn over the kids while swearing at the dogs.
I will never forget the way that I heard about it. I will never forget as much as I wish that I could because it was a shock. I hurt that day, more than when I heard that I wasn't loved anymore, more than I heard that things were over, more than I when I heard that it was the end. I spent a day in bed, cut off from everything. I couldn't deal with things.
Fuck, your dad dies all of a sudden and you are okay with it? I couldn't deal, I drank white wine and slept. I felt bad but that is what I did. I am not a good person, ask anyone. What was I supposed to do?
I made it through and time passed. It was hard but I did it because I didn't have a constant reminder, I knew things were final and I still feel guilty about it. I feel guilty because I don't honor Dad as I know other's do, I have come to grips with his passing, I know that I will get the "What did you do?" thought when I really need it.
I hope that if you are reading this, you don't go through the mental shit that I've gone through/am going through. The loss, rejection, doubt, anger, sadness, questioning, understanding that I am; hell, I hope that at most you are going through is just a brief uncertainty. I do mean all of you.
Peace out, yo (yeah, not pulling that off anytime soon)


off to chicago

I have found the formula

I have found out that the time it takes for someone to go from being married and living with spouse and children, to having husband leave and just living with children, to living with children and boyfriend , to living with children and fiance, to living with spouse and children again is 15 months.

That time frame gets smaller when you get legal, in that case, from being married (legally) to one and then to being married to another (legally) is 7 months.

Yes, I am still bothered a bit and that is because one of the reasons things didn't work out is because we moved too fast. Sure, in the beginning things went fast but then they went fine, I thought. I have to realize that things were going on behind my back (go figure) even though I actually believed when told that they weren't.

I was family oriented. Thought about the family and how nice it was to have one. The kids were not only at my wedding, but were part of it. I guess one out of three weddings for the kids to be part of is enough.

I know that this is muddled but I don't care, it is how my mind is right now.

karma

A list, of wants and needs and more wants

I want my kids to be raised better than I think they are being raised. I do what I can but I can tell that the opposing forces are winning.

I need to be out of debt and I was an idiot to let things happen as they did. "You take the car that is paid off and I'll take the truck that has huge payments" (wtf)

I really want to win the lottery, but not for the jackpot. Just enough so that I can have at least a month of not worrying. That would be awesome.

I want to use my "skills" on certain women. I have been told that I have skills that should be in my resume but it wouldn't look right.

I need to realize that I was not the problem, she was, and I was the best thing to be in her life.

I need to remember to chew the chips a lot or else they end up in my sinuses. Not good.

I want to fall into bed with a woman that wants me for my mind and warmth, because that is all I really have.

I want to stop having the hiccups.

I want to move to a different part of the country and start fresh, but I can't because I can't leave my kids.

I really want that piece of chip to be gone.

I need to be more human, and feel more and smile and touch and enjoy and laugh and think happy thoughts.

I need to be better, in all aspects of my life. There is so much that I have pushed to the side that I need to bring back to the center.

I want to spit the part of the chip that was basically up my nose, out.

I want to be happy that there is going to be one less person in this world with my last name, but am sad, in a way, that it is happening.

I want to be happy, from day to day, week to week, month to month, year to year.

I need another beer and ice cream.

bad movie dubs

What do I call this one? Confessions? The "I" post?

I hate snow and cold; makes it hard to make money.
I don't do dishes every day because I have enough that I don't need to.
I could wear the same thing every day for a week and the only one to know would be me.
If my bills were current then I would be surprised.
I don't think that I like people in general and it takes a lot for me to talk to people on a regular basis.
There a many reasons that I think that I should see a doctor but only one real one that keeps me from doing it.
I've thought about ending things more than once, came close a few times, but never did.
I sleep on the couch on the weekends even if the kids aren't here.
There are times when my ex can still ruin my day.
I'm sitting in front of the computer right now and haven't said a word to another human for close to 3 hours and that is normal.
I feel that I come into people's lives when then need me and then I fade away.
I am not a good friend because I don't think I know how to be.
I blame my sister for my smile. When we were young, she would tell me to stop making a fake smile during pictures and so I can't smile to this day. (love ya sistah, but it is true but it is a rite of an older sibling to scar a younger one :) )
I am stubborn to the extent that I get mad if my own personal deadlines aren't met.
I'm lonely and sometimes I dwell on it too much.
I can make some people laugh until they cry just by talking about porn and peppers.
I am living beyond my means.
I am content with where I am, it could be better and it could be worse.
I am glad that my family is how were are, a bit messed up, have issues but are there for each other when we need to be.
I wear my dad's sweatpants because they have pockets and a zipper fly. That Is Awesome!!!
I can go hours without talking.
I know that I will find what I am seeking when I am supposed to.
I listen to religious radio when I fall asleep and at times it gives me comfort.
I am stuck in the late 90s when it comes to music.
I have no real skills.
I really want my next tat because I feel that it would honor dad and I feel guilty because I've taken his being taken away better than sistah and mom.
I think that I will not leave a mark when I go.
Oy.


top 40

optimistic

That is how I feel. Sure, things are not all roses and gum drops but I never expected that. It is the little victories that keep me going.

I have 2 great kids that are doing well even though I know somethings aren't that great for them. We spent a good weekend together and while one was under the weather, it was a good time. I miss having them around me all the time so I am thankful that I have the time with them that I do.

I talked to people from my past and present and it was weird because it all happened today. I got an email from a present friend, that I have yet to respond to but that is because I need to get things out of my system first, and I got a few phone calls and txts and wall writes from past friends that are good. I am working on making the past friends present ones. I am odd about things.

I realized that I really need to hit the lottery at this time of year because I can't really work 11hrs + because there isn't enough sunlight to do so and the financial obligations are killing me but I've worked around it before.

After 9 months of solitude and then 1 week of stuff happening, the down time really sucks. Sure, there have been times of talking and spending time with women but being as I am how I am, it becomes talky talk stuff. Sure that is fine at times, but there are times when it is not. (Some stuff is edited because I know who some of the people are that read this) But, I like to think that things are changing.

Happy? Yep, a lot more than I was. Concerned? About a lot of people because they are going through a lot of stuff. Broke? Do I have the tat that I've wanted for just about a year yet? Lonely? At times but I like to think that I'm getting checked out at different places. Clean place? As well as a single guy can have without seeming weird. Being a good dad? God, I hope so because my monkeys need it. Being a good friend? Working on it. Horny? Popeye forearms

shaggy!

Snack crackers

That is what I am munchin on while I type this. They are tasty.

The weather in Western PA is one where things happen in one area and 20 miles away it is different. Today, as I looked out my front door I was able to see many cars slip-sliding around and thus my plans of taking the kids to the flea market were put on hold. Did that ruin our day? Not in the least. The girl decided to stay in her p.j.'s all day and do some crafts and take a nap, and do some dancing and make noise as only a 9 (soon to be 10) year old can. The boy and I watched awesome action flicks, had some nerf battles and ate salad. We surfed the net, had discussions on what it would be like if cars could transform, and laughed in a way that brings tears to your eyes.

I showed them the game of pool that I play, made them do chores (oh yeah, it isn't all fun with dad), got the final design for my next tat solidified and just enjoyed being.

Tomorrow is a new day and we will see what happens.
Take care.




funky science project

I was angry

I couldn't get some things out of my head today and most of the time I am able to. These feelings tend to show themselves at times when I just am, not really thinking of things, just going with stuff and then I think about them and I get angry.

I think part of it is being alone most of the time; wake up to an empty apartment, go to my empty office, work around empty spaces, return to my empty apartment, lather, rinse, repeat. There have been a few times when the place wasn't that empty, not counting when the kids are here, but those times have been few and far between.

I guess I was thinking that with the new year *bam* things would change some and in some ways they are. League play starts tomorrow and though I am not good, a point I made quite clear, I am still on the team for now. I "joked" with the ex about how she was going to Vegas to get hitched, which I have a feeling will happen, found out that the price of heating gas is way more expensive than I remembered (rent or gas bill?).

Okay, so I missed a day. Nothing happened anyway. I did paper work and watched movies on IFC. Curled up in a blanket (gas bill), have a feeling i'm going to owe the irs, dreamed what it would be like winning a lottery and not even a big one, just a small one.

Argh.

lighter