Thinking

So, I was thinking about Dad tonight.
I can't deal with the time of his passing because it still doesn't seem real to me. It is times like this that it hits me, times when I could just really use his input, a word or a phrase to let me know that I am okay.
The shorts in winter, the manhattan and nap on the couch on a sunday.
With all that has happened, the fucked up way my life has become, I am sitting here with tears falling down my cheeks, wishing that I could go up to my parent's tomorrow and hear my dad, a few minutes after entering the door, exclaim "M****!" and then fawn over the kids while swearing at the dogs.
I will never forget the way that I heard about it. I will never forget as much as I wish that I could because it was a shock. I hurt that day, more than when I heard that I wasn't loved anymore, more than I heard that things were over, more than I when I heard that it was the end. I spent a day in bed, cut off from everything. I couldn't deal with things.
Fuck, your dad dies all of a sudden and you are okay with it? I couldn't deal, I drank white wine and slept. I felt bad but that is what I did. I am not a good person, ask anyone. What was I supposed to do?
I made it through and time passed. It was hard but I did it because I didn't have a constant reminder, I knew things were final and I still feel guilty about it. I feel guilty because I don't honor Dad as I know other's do, I have come to grips with his passing, I know that I will get the "What did you do?" thought when I really need it.
I hope that if you are reading this, you don't go through the mental shit that I've gone through/am going through. The loss, rejection, doubt, anger, sadness, questioning, understanding that I am; hell, I hope that at most you are going through is just a brief uncertainty. I do mean all of you.
Peace out, yo (yeah, not pulling that off anytime soon)


off to chicago