Thinking

So, I was thinking about Dad tonight.
I can't deal with the time of his passing because it still doesn't seem real to me. It is times like this that it hits me, times when I could just really use his input, a word or a phrase to let me know that I am okay.
The shorts in winter, the manhattan and nap on the couch on a sunday.
With all that has happened, the fucked up way my life has become, I am sitting here with tears falling down my cheeks, wishing that I could go up to my parent's tomorrow and hear my dad, a few minutes after entering the door, exclaim "M****!" and then fawn over the kids while swearing at the dogs.
I will never forget the way that I heard about it. I will never forget as much as I wish that I could because it was a shock. I hurt that day, more than when I heard that I wasn't loved anymore, more than I heard that things were over, more than I when I heard that it was the end. I spent a day in bed, cut off from everything. I couldn't deal with things.
Fuck, your dad dies all of a sudden and you are okay with it? I couldn't deal, I drank white wine and slept. I felt bad but that is what I did. I am not a good person, ask anyone. What was I supposed to do?
I made it through and time passed. It was hard but I did it because I didn't have a constant reminder, I knew things were final and I still feel guilty about it. I feel guilty because I don't honor Dad as I know other's do, I have come to grips with his passing, I know that I will get the "What did you do?" thought when I really need it.
I hope that if you are reading this, you don't go through the mental shit that I've gone through/am going through. The loss, rejection, doubt, anger, sadness, questioning, understanding that I am; hell, I hope that at most you are going through is just a brief uncertainty. I do mean all of you.
Peace out, yo (yeah, not pulling that off anytime soon)


off to chicago

I have found the formula

I have found out that the time it takes for someone to go from being married and living with spouse and children, to having husband leave and just living with children, to living with children and boyfriend , to living with children and fiance, to living with spouse and children again is 15 months.

That time frame gets smaller when you get legal, in that case, from being married (legally) to one and then to being married to another (legally) is 7 months.

Yes, I am still bothered a bit and that is because one of the reasons things didn't work out is because we moved too fast. Sure, in the beginning things went fast but then they went fine, I thought. I have to realize that things were going on behind my back (go figure) even though I actually believed when told that they weren't.

I was family oriented. Thought about the family and how nice it was to have one. The kids were not only at my wedding, but were part of it. I guess one out of three weddings for the kids to be part of is enough.

I know that this is muddled but I don't care, it is how my mind is right now.

karma

A list, of wants and needs and more wants

I want my kids to be raised better than I think they are being raised. I do what I can but I can tell that the opposing forces are winning.

I need to be out of debt and I was an idiot to let things happen as they did. "You take the car that is paid off and I'll take the truck that has huge payments" (wtf)

I really want to win the lottery, but not for the jackpot. Just enough so that I can have at least a month of not worrying. That would be awesome.

I want to use my "skills" on certain women. I have been told that I have skills that should be in my resume but it wouldn't look right.

I need to realize that I was not the problem, she was, and I was the best thing to be in her life.

I need to remember to chew the chips a lot or else they end up in my sinuses. Not good.

I want to fall into bed with a woman that wants me for my mind and warmth, because that is all I really have.

I want to stop having the hiccups.

I want to move to a different part of the country and start fresh, but I can't because I can't leave my kids.

I really want that piece of chip to be gone.

I need to be more human, and feel more and smile and touch and enjoy and laugh and think happy thoughts.

I need to be better, in all aspects of my life. There is so much that I have pushed to the side that I need to bring back to the center.

I want to spit the part of the chip that was basically up my nose, out.

I want to be happy that there is going to be one less person in this world with my last name, but am sad, in a way, that it is happening.

I want to be happy, from day to day, week to week, month to month, year to year.

I need another beer and ice cream.

bad movie dubs

What do I call this one? Confessions? The "I" post?

I hate snow and cold; makes it hard to make money.
I don't do dishes every day because I have enough that I don't need to.
I could wear the same thing every day for a week and the only one to know would be me.
If my bills were current then I would be surprised.
I don't think that I like people in general and it takes a lot for me to talk to people on a regular basis.
There a many reasons that I think that I should see a doctor but only one real one that keeps me from doing it.
I've thought about ending things more than once, came close a few times, but never did.
I sleep on the couch on the weekends even if the kids aren't here.
There are times when my ex can still ruin my day.
I'm sitting in front of the computer right now and haven't said a word to another human for close to 3 hours and that is normal.
I feel that I come into people's lives when then need me and then I fade away.
I am not a good friend because I don't think I know how to be.
I blame my sister for my smile. When we were young, she would tell me to stop making a fake smile during pictures and so I can't smile to this day. (love ya sistah, but it is true but it is a rite of an older sibling to scar a younger one :) )
I am stubborn to the extent that I get mad if my own personal deadlines aren't met.
I'm lonely and sometimes I dwell on it too much.
I can make some people laugh until they cry just by talking about porn and peppers.
I am living beyond my means.
I am content with where I am, it could be better and it could be worse.
I am glad that my family is how were are, a bit messed up, have issues but are there for each other when we need to be.
I wear my dad's sweatpants because they have pockets and a zipper fly. That Is Awesome!!!
I can go hours without talking.
I know that I will find what I am seeking when I am supposed to.
I listen to religious radio when I fall asleep and at times it gives me comfort.
I am stuck in the late 90s when it comes to music.
I have no real skills.
I really want my next tat because I feel that it would honor dad and I feel guilty because I've taken his being taken away better than sistah and mom.
I think that I will not leave a mark when I go.
Oy.


top 40

optimistic

That is how I feel. Sure, things are not all roses and gum drops but I never expected that. It is the little victories that keep me going.

I have 2 great kids that are doing well even though I know somethings aren't that great for them. We spent a good weekend together and while one was under the weather, it was a good time. I miss having them around me all the time so I am thankful that I have the time with them that I do.

I talked to people from my past and present and it was weird because it all happened today. I got an email from a present friend, that I have yet to respond to but that is because I need to get things out of my system first, and I got a few phone calls and txts and wall writes from past friends that are good. I am working on making the past friends present ones. I am odd about things.

I realized that I really need to hit the lottery at this time of year because I can't really work 11hrs + because there isn't enough sunlight to do so and the financial obligations are killing me but I've worked around it before.

After 9 months of solitude and then 1 week of stuff happening, the down time really sucks. Sure, there have been times of talking and spending time with women but being as I am how I am, it becomes talky talk stuff. Sure that is fine at times, but there are times when it is not. (Some stuff is edited because I know who some of the people are that read this) But, I like to think that things are changing.

Happy? Yep, a lot more than I was. Concerned? About a lot of people because they are going through a lot of stuff. Broke? Do I have the tat that I've wanted for just about a year yet? Lonely? At times but I like to think that I'm getting checked out at different places. Clean place? As well as a single guy can have without seeming weird. Being a good dad? God, I hope so because my monkeys need it. Being a good friend? Working on it. Horny? Popeye forearms

shaggy!

Snack crackers

That is what I am munchin on while I type this. They are tasty.

The weather in Western PA is one where things happen in one area and 20 miles away it is different. Today, as I looked out my front door I was able to see many cars slip-sliding around and thus my plans of taking the kids to the flea market were put on hold. Did that ruin our day? Not in the least. The girl decided to stay in her p.j.'s all day and do some crafts and take a nap, and do some dancing and make noise as only a 9 (soon to be 10) year old can. The boy and I watched awesome action flicks, had some nerf battles and ate salad. We surfed the net, had discussions on what it would be like if cars could transform, and laughed in a way that brings tears to your eyes.

I showed them the game of pool that I play, made them do chores (oh yeah, it isn't all fun with dad), got the final design for my next tat solidified and just enjoyed being.

Tomorrow is a new day and we will see what happens.
Take care.




funky science project

I was angry

I couldn't get some things out of my head today and most of the time I am able to. These feelings tend to show themselves at times when I just am, not really thinking of things, just going with stuff and then I think about them and I get angry.

I think part of it is being alone most of the time; wake up to an empty apartment, go to my empty office, work around empty spaces, return to my empty apartment, lather, rinse, repeat. There have been a few times when the place wasn't that empty, not counting when the kids are here, but those times have been few and far between.

I guess I was thinking that with the new year *bam* things would change some and in some ways they are. League play starts tomorrow and though I am not good, a point I made quite clear, I am still on the team for now. I "joked" with the ex about how she was going to Vegas to get hitched, which I have a feeling will happen, found out that the price of heating gas is way more expensive than I remembered (rent or gas bill?).

Okay, so I missed a day. Nothing happened anyway. I did paper work and watched movies on IFC. Curled up in a blanket (gas bill), have a feeling i'm going to owe the irs, dreamed what it would be like winning a lottery and not even a big one, just a small one.

Argh.

lighter

I want it all

I'm talking the things sold on tv in those 30 second spots. I want to cut garlic with just a few taps, I want to latest dance mixes, I want a fun, cardio dance party. I want those rocking abs, I want to be warm but can still use my arms which I can't do with a blanket, my dog (wait I don't have one) needs it's nails trimmed in a safe way.

I like television, I grew up with it, it has been a constant. I can remember sitting on a bouncy horse while mom was working on the new house we were going to move into and watching a little black and white tv. PBS with Mr. Rodgers, the Letter People, Sesame Street. I had a thermos filled with chocolate milk and I was happy.

That same black and white tv was in my room, in a different house, when my friend Richard and I first had Jolt. We went to the corner store, loaded up on candy and Jolt, and stayed up all night. Until the sun came up all night. I remember watching a movie, "Them" and was glad it was in black and white because giant ants can be scary.

I remember the nights that I would watch bad movies while growing up, the couch in my dorm room where every evening my roommate and I made time for the Simpsons and watched WWF, the countless travel shows I would watch so that I knew about other places, the laughs and tears.

Yeah, I am a tv junkie but can you blame me? It has been there for me no matter what, no matter how I am feeling, no matter who else is around me. It has offered escape, knowledge, insight and new things to find out about.

I'm a potato and I like it.

sangria

Let's see if I can do this

I'm not good at consistancy.

I'm also not good at spelling but that is a different story. I am going to try to blog more just because it is like a person to talk to. I don't have that right now and so I will use my "big words" to get things out. It is not a bad thing to blog, trust me, I have blogs that I read every day and even check several times a day just to see what is going on. I'm just bad at it. I have let a few other blogs of mine suffer from starvation.

Day 2 of the new year. It has been a day.

Did my normal work day stuff, put in hours that won't go on the books, felt up vehicles as only I can (yeah, I do it with style) came back home and did busy work. Got the mail and was shocked (my gas bill going up not 1, not 2, but over 300%? in just a month? while the electric bill went up a penny, yes a penny). I did figure out the design for my next tattoo which will be put on hold again but that is okay because it just isn't time for it yet. Talked to the kids while they were in their rooms zombing out in front of the tv, as it seems is normal.

I will say that in the past 2 days, this year has brought some surprises. I was going through some built up mail when I came across an envelope from my bank. It had the normal markings of "advert" but when I opened it, there was a $10 gift card. Plus one for me. I have found out that my newest cologne is "hip and cool" so at least I smell good and there are a lot of movies on demand for free that I want to watch. Can't beat that with a wet noodle.

I started to work out again and it feels good for my muscles to ache. In 6 months I am going to have definition because I have always wanted it. Sure, it will be as if I am wearing a sweater but I don't mind. My place is clean, I dusted and ran the vacuum. I have indulged my inner geek by playing video games, watching "Star Wars" movies, and making a good casadilla.

Things are looking up. Next week I start my 9 ball league. I was asked if I wanted to play and having no other commitments, said yes. Am I good? No, but that is what is needed, a filler. Being as I will probably be the only one not drinking, the games happen at bars, I will be able to shine, or atleast be the D.D. (I just hope we have cool shirts)

Take care readers, I know that things have been tough on many levels, but hell, you are reading this so you can get through anything (you made it to the end of this dribble)

Keyboard bigger than computer (don't ask)

Goodbye

The title is in reference to the year of 2008 because it sucked on a lot of levels, but at the same time was good and thus I have to do a lot of typing. I don't like typing, I'm good at it but that doesn't mean I like it.....*sigh*.....

I'm going to start off with the year in review, bad version:
I lost a pillar in my life in a way that really sucks. No warning, phone call at work, words I will never forget, things that were not supposed to happen. I had to say good bye to my dad without him showing my boy how to drive (behind my back, in the way a grandpa is supposed to do), just as we were becoming friends and not "father and son". I will never look at 2-ply the same way again.
I lost my family because of things. I had the american dream of a wife, 2 kids, a dog, a car, a truck, a house, debt out the wazoo, and happiness but that was taken away because of infidelity.

The above happened within 3 weeks. I was crushed and I won't lie, I thought about how easy it would be to drive into a ditch at 80mph, on a cliff road so that the kids would have money. I really did, more than once, but I also knew that I was too strong for that and so I trudged on. It was hard, harder than some would think (friends said that they would have ended things after all that) but I couldn't because I have 2 kids that mean more to me than some may ever know. I did things alone, sure I had family support but mom was dealing with things, sis was dealing with things and I don't have many friends so I was alone.

Alone sucks. I can go for days without talking to anyone by my kids but that doesn't make things better. Just imagine 8 moths without feeling the touch of someone else. I've done it and will be doing it again. But......

The year in review, good version:

I've learned that I deserve better. I have found out that I am not as bad of a man that I make myself out to be. I have found that there are wonderful women out there that have gone through a lot more than I have and just, for lack of a better word, rock. I have made friends that I wouldn't have a year ago, gone places that I wouldn't have, done things that I may have been afaid to before.

I have learned so much about people, myself and just life in the the past year but I am going to be selfish; I want to be happy. I want to find that one, I want to feel that way, I want to be happy and I feel that I will get those things. Sure, it will take work but I am willing to do that.

I am bear.

If you read this than that means that you are really awesome.
Thank you.




giant mixed nut tin (less than 50% peanuts)

You don't know

I lost a bit of my thumb on Friday and it made me realize that you don't know what you have until it is gone. I can't touch my thumb to anything because of the pain of exposed nerve endings so I have been learning to do things a different way. At the end of the day, the rest of my hand hurts and there have been times when I have yelled profanities and almost been brought to tears. At the same time, I get a lot of questions on what happened and a few laughs when I tell the story.

It dawned on me that my loss of thumb goes hand in hand with the divorce I went through. I had this part of me that was so much a part of my life, so much a part of my every day being that when it was gone I didn't know what to do. I had to learn to do things a different way from what I was used to. I may have taken parts of my marriage for granted, just thought that things were going to be "right" because we were together, but it wasn't the way things turned out. Over the past few months, I have had to learn to do things differently, for myself, for my kids, in a way that scared the crap out of me, but I could do them because I had to. It was all kind of mental.

Today, I realized that I have gone through a lot of mental things. C'mon, I lose my dad, the rock that I based my life on, the way I wanted to end up, my one and only "go to guy". Add to that a bit of infidelity, remove the family life I had tried to build up, add a dash of "every other weekend" and some other ingredients and my mental stew was fucked and fit for no one. Friends told me that they were surprised that I was still functioning, still alive, after that, but I was. It was mental and it has plagued me. I lop off a bit of my thumb and it becomes physical.

I have to change the way I do things. Sure, they will hurt at the end of the day but they will get done. It will take time but it will get done. I will swear, I will cry, I will remember but maybe I will get by.

camel

I talk way too much

about work.

I think it is because it is the only thing that I have each and every day. I wake up and start working and I just got done working about 20 minutes ago. That is my day.

I do have kids, 2 of them, that are great and are going through a lot themselves. New school, new place to live, new male figure in their lives, all kinds of new things. Like this coming weekend, they are spending the night at new friends. They are real excited about it and I think they will not be seen by me all night, even though I will be there. I guess sometimes I don't want to talk about my kids here because sometimes I want to keep them to myself.

It is a love/hate thing

I love to drive. I do it for my job and I do it well. I can, will, and have driven from my place to Chicago and still put in a few hours of work when I get there. It might not sound like much but imagine sitting in your favorite chair, listening to music, taking the occasional (very occasional for me) phone call, not being able to read, not being able to stand up when you want or grab something from the fridge for about 8 hours. Sure, you stop once, maybe twice, but for 8 hours you sit.

I have seen giant pumpkins made out of bales of hay, places advertising that they are in need of an "ass mechanic" (a garage someplace in Indiana) giant cowboys (Latrobe) and a lot of other things that escape my mind right now. I have zoned out in Ohio and snapped back to realize that I've traveled 30 miles with out seeing another vehicle. I love to drive.

I hate to drive. It is being stuck in a mobile office while talking to myself because there is nobody to talk to. It is a lonely job where the most recent thing is that I get to be a spy and suggest courses of action that should be taken. It is a job that I would like to share with someone but being as I am contemplating monkhood, I shouldn't be too worried about it. My back gets cramped up, my hip hurts from dealing with the gas pedal, sometimes I get headaches from staring out the window.

I get to do it again in 8 hrs and who knows where I will go tomorrow.

monk

Working in a coal mine

Okay, not really.

I don't even want to know what that is like but I do have the song going through my head as I type this. One thing that I love about hotels is the ice. It is great. Everything tastes better with ice. Stuff that I normally drink right out of the bottle now needs to be in a cup with ice.

I hate elevator people that do it wrong. I went to work this morning, I arrive at the ground floor preparing to exit the elevator and a woman just barges in(I am on the elevator and getting off on the only other floor to get off of and I know how to work the darn thing.) She should have stepped back, waited for me to exit, and then it would have been all her's. That just annoyed me.

I love being away from my work, which is piling up, to help others with theirs and yet I do more than they do A lot more. I guess they are just lazy and I am a good grunt.

Off to bed because 6:30 start time is early and I only have 2 more days before I make the 8hr trip home.

glass bottle

Yes, I did

I deleted yesterday's post because I wanted to. I get to be in charge of a few things and I took that one down and it is gone.

I love to drive. Really, I do.

500 miles, 2 hrs of work, and now I am getting ready to call the kids and then pass out. I have to pick some things up tomorrow before work 7am, so that I can get them in the mail asap. I have to complete paperwork that I have really been lagging on and now I am getting yelled at because of it. I will work my hinie off because that is what I am good at and as long as the weather helps, I will knock out a lot of things.

I had Micky D's for lunch today, I think it was in Indiana, and I have no appetite now. I was looking for a quick fix because I was hungry and I choose the wrong stuff. I remember now why I don't eat it. Sure, it is tasty with the salt and the ketchup and the "beef" but it is oh so bad. I won't do that again for a very long time.

I am off to bed because with the recent time change and then being in a different time zone I have no idea what time it is.

cranberry

Pens

That is the strangest bag item that the kids got for Halloween this year. Strike that, it wasn't pens, but pen, singular, one pen per child. Though they thought it was odd, the parents thought that it did make some sense because you are always looking for one so why not?

Today with the kids was one of normalcy. I have moved on from the "we have to do great things every time I have them" to one of "we will act like a normal family" because I just can't play that one up game, it isn't right. So today we watched tv, got homework done, played on the computer, played with toys, didn't listen to dad, laughed, sighed, rolled our eyes at each other and just enjoyed.

I did pull the wool over their eyes though because they wanted to see their friends in Ohio and I made them pack up their costumes so they could show what they were for Halloween, little did they know that they were invited to go candy begging with my friend's kids. So we went and they were happy to see B and A, but didn't understand why they had to take their costumes. After a bit, they started to understand and when it was time to head out, I had to explain that they were going t.o.t. ing again.

I rock.

Then we made a pit stop, viewed the loot, and then it was time for the parade. A night time parade is always cool and thus I rock again. There were the cops, fire trucks, random floats and R2-D2. The kids liked it and when we got back to my friend's house, the kids went off; candy trading the likes of the stock market, deals of "I'll give you 2 kit-kats for your twix bars", counter offers, "does anybody like these?" "what do you have to trade?" "AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" (sugar kicked in)

So next time, there is going to be a sleep over after much negotiation. Long story involving cleaning, breakfast and football. But right now, it is all good. Good time had by all, tomorrow spend time with grandmother, do laundry, pack for Chicago, Sunday stuff.

Now, though, is time for bed.

zombie mask

Muahahahaaa

As this Halloween wraps up, I am in my living room with my monkeys passed out due to the copius amounts of sugar that they have ingested throughout the day, the original versions of "The Wickerman" on the tube, and an adult beverage on the table.

The day started off with the upstairs neighbors fighting at about 3 this morning and has been a ride since then. I hit the snooze a few more times than I should have so I woke up late. The coffee was a bit weak but that does help with the miles I put on. I hurt from my drive the day before, the back the worse and that worries me, but the sun was out and I tend to be in a good mood when that happens. I really didn't want to work but I knew that it would pass the time and I also worked on my costume, I am not up to the full body monster suit, but working on it.

I found out that the kids were going to miss trick or treating in my neighborhood because it was changed from Friday to Thursday, but my friend invited us to her place to partake of the free begging for sugar so we went. I picked the kids up, we had dinner so as to curb the want for sugar (Yeah, like that worked) and then spent 1.5 hrs walking around my friend's neighborhood and they got good things, I'm talking full sized and no junk. There were no bags of pennies, no apples, no pencils, but Snickers, Reese's Cups, Hershey's and the like. I figured about an easy 8lbs of loot. Tomorrow, that number grows.

I will say that I really wanted to hit on the waitress at the restaurant where we had dinner, but didn't. Part of it was, that she was very appealing, with my luck she was too young. I thought about leaving a business card with my personal number on the back but thought, "Wow, that are being cheesy" so I didn't. But maybe I should have because how many times did she tell the single guy with two kids how polite they were? Yeah, I read too much into things.

I'm just happy because I can see them, they had a "great day" and I am my kid's dad, no matter what.

bacon

Going South (again)

I will spend 4.5 hrs in the beast tomorrow as I head to work in a place that will take me through parts of my state, parts of WV, parts of MD and parts of WV. Then, when work is done, I will drive that same route back home. My butt will hurt a lot, my back will hurt a lot, my mind will hurt a lot because that much time with yourself makes you a bit crazy.

In my last post, I said that I didn't have friends and it came out wrong. I know that I have them it is just not seeing them around, hanging out with them when I really could use to, and just a feeling of isolation that make me say that and it was never my intention too devalue how I think of people. I'm a guy and I say stupid things.

I am off to bed because long hauls make me tired and I just hope the sun is out tomorrow because I need my vitamin D.

daft punk

I have moved on to a point

So, the past week + has been an interesting one. I got into a mood due to the upcoming birthday. I have now moved from a prime number to one that isn't so prime.

I tend to reflect on the past year as my birthday rolls around and all I can say is I am not any where near where I thought I would be. One year ago; wife, kids, dog, house, truck, bills, stuff, parents, family, job, hobby. Now; bills, stuff, parent, family, job. I am going crazy being in the state I am in. I have good days when things seem like they are great and then I have days where they don't. There were going to be changes that I was working on while in my former life, but there were changes going on that I didn't know about. I still hurt at the thought of things and how I could have overlooked things, how I could have been better, how it sucks that I am unhappy.

I read a book where a guy lost the love of his life and was going to go back to his evil ways, but didn't. I have tried to no go back to my evil ways but it is hard. I want to think about the past and think about what I could have done, why things happened when and how they did. I miss my kids and my dog. I need to look to the future and figure out how to handle it. It is tough when you are stuck in the past.

I miss having a friend to talk to be it my ex, my kids or my dog. I don't have friends and I am not a good friend to have. Sometimes I test people to see what they do and they do nothing.

It has been a bad day.

bowling ball

wine and cigars

It sucks.

This time of year was one of joy for me. Sure, there were birthdays to deal with but they didn't bother me other than I am really bad with dates. I loved the changing of the seasons, digging through clothes to find the sweaters, flannels, long pants. The smell in the air of the dead leaves, the look of the trees, and the promise of warm time with ones you love.

I thought about cigars today. I should have placed an order for delivery on November 6th. A sampler because I never knew what to get and being the "bad son" I was the only one to get them for dad. I don't get to do that this year. It sucks.

I thought about waking up on my birthday and not having the kids ask if I have opened their cards. Being the guy I am, I made sure that they got cards for their mom. It sucks.

it sucks.

celery