Thinking

So, I was thinking about Dad tonight.
I can't deal with the time of his passing because it still doesn't seem real to me. It is times like this that it hits me, times when I could just really use his input, a word or a phrase to let me know that I am okay.
The shorts in winter, the manhattan and nap on the couch on a sunday.
With all that has happened, the fucked up way my life has become, I am sitting here with tears falling down my cheeks, wishing that I could go up to my parent's tomorrow and hear my dad, a few minutes after entering the door, exclaim "M****!" and then fawn over the kids while swearing at the dogs.
I will never forget the way that I heard about it. I will never forget as much as I wish that I could because it was a shock. I hurt that day, more than when I heard that I wasn't loved anymore, more than I heard that things were over, more than I when I heard that it was the end. I spent a day in bed, cut off from everything. I couldn't deal with things.
Fuck, your dad dies all of a sudden and you are okay with it? I couldn't deal, I drank white wine and slept. I felt bad but that is what I did. I am not a good person, ask anyone. What was I supposed to do?
I made it through and time passed. It was hard but I did it because I didn't have a constant reminder, I knew things were final and I still feel guilty about it. I feel guilty because I don't honor Dad as I know other's do, I have come to grips with his passing, I know that I will get the "What did you do?" thought when I really need it.
I hope that if you are reading this, you don't go through the mental shit that I've gone through/am going through. The loss, rejection, doubt, anger, sadness, questioning, understanding that I am; hell, I hope that at most you are going through is just a brief uncertainty. I do mean all of you.
Peace out, yo (yeah, not pulling that off anytime soon)


off to chicago

I have found the formula

I have found out that the time it takes for someone to go from being married and living with spouse and children, to having husband leave and just living with children, to living with children and boyfriend , to living with children and fiance, to living with spouse and children again is 15 months.

That time frame gets smaller when you get legal, in that case, from being married (legally) to one and then to being married to another (legally) is 7 months.

Yes, I am still bothered a bit and that is because one of the reasons things didn't work out is because we moved too fast. Sure, in the beginning things went fast but then they went fine, I thought. I have to realize that things were going on behind my back (go figure) even though I actually believed when told that they weren't.

I was family oriented. Thought about the family and how nice it was to have one. The kids were not only at my wedding, but were part of it. I guess one out of three weddings for the kids to be part of is enough.

I know that this is muddled but I don't care, it is how my mind is right now.

karma

A list, of wants and needs and more wants

I want my kids to be raised better than I think they are being raised. I do what I can but I can tell that the opposing forces are winning.

I need to be out of debt and I was an idiot to let things happen as they did. "You take the car that is paid off and I'll take the truck that has huge payments" (wtf)

I really want to win the lottery, but not for the jackpot. Just enough so that I can have at least a month of not worrying. That would be awesome.

I want to use my "skills" on certain women. I have been told that I have skills that should be in my resume but it wouldn't look right.

I need to realize that I was not the problem, she was, and I was the best thing to be in her life.

I need to remember to chew the chips a lot or else they end up in my sinuses. Not good.

I want to fall into bed with a woman that wants me for my mind and warmth, because that is all I really have.

I want to stop having the hiccups.

I want to move to a different part of the country and start fresh, but I can't because I can't leave my kids.

I really want that piece of chip to be gone.

I need to be more human, and feel more and smile and touch and enjoy and laugh and think happy thoughts.

I need to be better, in all aspects of my life. There is so much that I have pushed to the side that I need to bring back to the center.

I want to spit the part of the chip that was basically up my nose, out.

I want to be happy that there is going to be one less person in this world with my last name, but am sad, in a way, that it is happening.

I want to be happy, from day to day, week to week, month to month, year to year.

I need another beer and ice cream.

bad movie dubs