You don't know

I lost a bit of my thumb on Friday and it made me realize that you don't know what you have until it is gone. I can't touch my thumb to anything because of the pain of exposed nerve endings so I have been learning to do things a different way. At the end of the day, the rest of my hand hurts and there have been times when I have yelled profanities and almost been brought to tears. At the same time, I get a lot of questions on what happened and a few laughs when I tell the story.

It dawned on me that my loss of thumb goes hand in hand with the divorce I went through. I had this part of me that was so much a part of my life, so much a part of my every day being that when it was gone I didn't know what to do. I had to learn to do things a different way from what I was used to. I may have taken parts of my marriage for granted, just thought that things were going to be "right" because we were together, but it wasn't the way things turned out. Over the past few months, I have had to learn to do things differently, for myself, for my kids, in a way that scared the crap out of me, but I could do them because I had to. It was all kind of mental.

Today, I realized that I have gone through a lot of mental things. C'mon, I lose my dad, the rock that I based my life on, the way I wanted to end up, my one and only "go to guy". Add to that a bit of infidelity, remove the family life I had tried to build up, add a dash of "every other weekend" and some other ingredients and my mental stew was fucked and fit for no one. Friends told me that they were surprised that I was still functioning, still alive, after that, but I was. It was mental and it has plagued me. I lop off a bit of my thumb and it becomes physical.

I have to change the way I do things. Sure, they will hurt at the end of the day but they will get done. It will take time but it will get done. I will swear, I will cry, I will remember but maybe I will get by.

camel

I talk way too much

about work.

I think it is because it is the only thing that I have each and every day. I wake up and start working and I just got done working about 20 minutes ago. That is my day.

I do have kids, 2 of them, that are great and are going through a lot themselves. New school, new place to live, new male figure in their lives, all kinds of new things. Like this coming weekend, they are spending the night at new friends. They are real excited about it and I think they will not be seen by me all night, even though I will be there. I guess sometimes I don't want to talk about my kids here because sometimes I want to keep them to myself.

It is a love/hate thing

I love to drive. I do it for my job and I do it well. I can, will, and have driven from my place to Chicago and still put in a few hours of work when I get there. It might not sound like much but imagine sitting in your favorite chair, listening to music, taking the occasional (very occasional for me) phone call, not being able to read, not being able to stand up when you want or grab something from the fridge for about 8 hours. Sure, you stop once, maybe twice, but for 8 hours you sit.

I have seen giant pumpkins made out of bales of hay, places advertising that they are in need of an "ass mechanic" (a garage someplace in Indiana) giant cowboys (Latrobe) and a lot of other things that escape my mind right now. I have zoned out in Ohio and snapped back to realize that I've traveled 30 miles with out seeing another vehicle. I love to drive.

I hate to drive. It is being stuck in a mobile office while talking to myself because there is nobody to talk to. It is a lonely job where the most recent thing is that I get to be a spy and suggest courses of action that should be taken. It is a job that I would like to share with someone but being as I am contemplating monkhood, I shouldn't be too worried about it. My back gets cramped up, my hip hurts from dealing with the gas pedal, sometimes I get headaches from staring out the window.

I get to do it again in 8 hrs and who knows where I will go tomorrow.

monk

Working in a coal mine

Okay, not really.

I don't even want to know what that is like but I do have the song going through my head as I type this. One thing that I love about hotels is the ice. It is great. Everything tastes better with ice. Stuff that I normally drink right out of the bottle now needs to be in a cup with ice.

I hate elevator people that do it wrong. I went to work this morning, I arrive at the ground floor preparing to exit the elevator and a woman just barges in(I am on the elevator and getting off on the only other floor to get off of and I know how to work the darn thing.) She should have stepped back, waited for me to exit, and then it would have been all her's. That just annoyed me.

I love being away from my work, which is piling up, to help others with theirs and yet I do more than they do A lot more. I guess they are just lazy and I am a good grunt.

Off to bed because 6:30 start time is early and I only have 2 more days before I make the 8hr trip home.

glass bottle

Yes, I did

I deleted yesterday's post because I wanted to. I get to be in charge of a few things and I took that one down and it is gone.

I love to drive. Really, I do.

500 miles, 2 hrs of work, and now I am getting ready to call the kids and then pass out. I have to pick some things up tomorrow before work 7am, so that I can get them in the mail asap. I have to complete paperwork that I have really been lagging on and now I am getting yelled at because of it. I will work my hinie off because that is what I am good at and as long as the weather helps, I will knock out a lot of things.

I had Micky D's for lunch today, I think it was in Indiana, and I have no appetite now. I was looking for a quick fix because I was hungry and I choose the wrong stuff. I remember now why I don't eat it. Sure, it is tasty with the salt and the ketchup and the "beef" but it is oh so bad. I won't do that again for a very long time.

I am off to bed because with the recent time change and then being in a different time zone I have no idea what time it is.

cranberry

Pens

That is the strangest bag item that the kids got for Halloween this year. Strike that, it wasn't pens, but pen, singular, one pen per child. Though they thought it was odd, the parents thought that it did make some sense because you are always looking for one so why not?

Today with the kids was one of normalcy. I have moved on from the "we have to do great things every time I have them" to one of "we will act like a normal family" because I just can't play that one up game, it isn't right. So today we watched tv, got homework done, played on the computer, played with toys, didn't listen to dad, laughed, sighed, rolled our eyes at each other and just enjoyed.

I did pull the wool over their eyes though because they wanted to see their friends in Ohio and I made them pack up their costumes so they could show what they were for Halloween, little did they know that they were invited to go candy begging with my friend's kids. So we went and they were happy to see B and A, but didn't understand why they had to take their costumes. After a bit, they started to understand and when it was time to head out, I had to explain that they were going t.o.t. ing again.

I rock.

Then we made a pit stop, viewed the loot, and then it was time for the parade. A night time parade is always cool and thus I rock again. There were the cops, fire trucks, random floats and R2-D2. The kids liked it and when we got back to my friend's house, the kids went off; candy trading the likes of the stock market, deals of "I'll give you 2 kit-kats for your twix bars", counter offers, "does anybody like these?" "what do you have to trade?" "AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" (sugar kicked in)

So next time, there is going to be a sleep over after much negotiation. Long story involving cleaning, breakfast and football. But right now, it is all good. Good time had by all, tomorrow spend time with grandmother, do laundry, pack for Chicago, Sunday stuff.

Now, though, is time for bed.

zombie mask