You don't know

I lost a bit of my thumb on Friday and it made me realize that you don't know what you have until it is gone. I can't touch my thumb to anything because of the pain of exposed nerve endings so I have been learning to do things a different way. At the end of the day, the rest of my hand hurts and there have been times when I have yelled profanities and almost been brought to tears. At the same time, I get a lot of questions on what happened and a few laughs when I tell the story.

It dawned on me that my loss of thumb goes hand in hand with the divorce I went through. I had this part of me that was so much a part of my life, so much a part of my every day being that when it was gone I didn't know what to do. I had to learn to do things a different way from what I was used to. I may have taken parts of my marriage for granted, just thought that things were going to be "right" because we were together, but it wasn't the way things turned out. Over the past few months, I have had to learn to do things differently, for myself, for my kids, in a way that scared the crap out of me, but I could do them because I had to. It was all kind of mental.

Today, I realized that I have gone through a lot of mental things. C'mon, I lose my dad, the rock that I based my life on, the way I wanted to end up, my one and only "go to guy". Add to that a bit of infidelity, remove the family life I had tried to build up, add a dash of "every other weekend" and some other ingredients and my mental stew was fucked and fit for no one. Friends told me that they were surprised that I was still functioning, still alive, after that, but I was. It was mental and it has plagued me. I lop off a bit of my thumb and it becomes physical.

I have to change the way I do things. Sure, they will hurt at the end of the day but they will get done. It will take time but it will get done. I will swear, I will cry, I will remember but maybe I will get by.

camel

I talk way too much

about work.

I think it is because it is the only thing that I have each and every day. I wake up and start working and I just got done working about 20 minutes ago. That is my day.

I do have kids, 2 of them, that are great and are going through a lot themselves. New school, new place to live, new male figure in their lives, all kinds of new things. Like this coming weekend, they are spending the night at new friends. They are real excited about it and I think they will not be seen by me all night, even though I will be there. I guess sometimes I don't want to talk about my kids here because sometimes I want to keep them to myself.

It is a love/hate thing

I love to drive. I do it for my job and I do it well. I can, will, and have driven from my place to Chicago and still put in a few hours of work when I get there. It might not sound like much but imagine sitting in your favorite chair, listening to music, taking the occasional (very occasional for me) phone call, not being able to read, not being able to stand up when you want or grab something from the fridge for about 8 hours. Sure, you stop once, maybe twice, but for 8 hours you sit.

I have seen giant pumpkins made out of bales of hay, places advertising that they are in need of an "ass mechanic" (a garage someplace in Indiana) giant cowboys (Latrobe) and a lot of other things that escape my mind right now. I have zoned out in Ohio and snapped back to realize that I've traveled 30 miles with out seeing another vehicle. I love to drive.

I hate to drive. It is being stuck in a mobile office while talking to myself because there is nobody to talk to. It is a lonely job where the most recent thing is that I get to be a spy and suggest courses of action that should be taken. It is a job that I would like to share with someone but being as I am contemplating monkhood, I shouldn't be too worried about it. My back gets cramped up, my hip hurts from dealing with the gas pedal, sometimes I get headaches from staring out the window.

I get to do it again in 8 hrs and who knows where I will go tomorrow.

monk

Working in a coal mine

Okay, not really.

I don't even want to know what that is like but I do have the song going through my head as I type this. One thing that I love about hotels is the ice. It is great. Everything tastes better with ice. Stuff that I normally drink right out of the bottle now needs to be in a cup with ice.

I hate elevator people that do it wrong. I went to work this morning, I arrive at the ground floor preparing to exit the elevator and a woman just barges in(I am on the elevator and getting off on the only other floor to get off of and I know how to work the darn thing.) She should have stepped back, waited for me to exit, and then it would have been all her's. That just annoyed me.

I love being away from my work, which is piling up, to help others with theirs and yet I do more than they do A lot more. I guess they are just lazy and I am a good grunt.

Off to bed because 6:30 start time is early and I only have 2 more days before I make the 8hr trip home.

glass bottle

Yes, I did

I deleted yesterday's post because I wanted to. I get to be in charge of a few things and I took that one down and it is gone.

I love to drive. Really, I do.

500 miles, 2 hrs of work, and now I am getting ready to call the kids and then pass out. I have to pick some things up tomorrow before work 7am, so that I can get them in the mail asap. I have to complete paperwork that I have really been lagging on and now I am getting yelled at because of it. I will work my hinie off because that is what I am good at and as long as the weather helps, I will knock out a lot of things.

I had Micky D's for lunch today, I think it was in Indiana, and I have no appetite now. I was looking for a quick fix because I was hungry and I choose the wrong stuff. I remember now why I don't eat it. Sure, it is tasty with the salt and the ketchup and the "beef" but it is oh so bad. I won't do that again for a very long time.

I am off to bed because with the recent time change and then being in a different time zone I have no idea what time it is.

cranberry

Pens

That is the strangest bag item that the kids got for Halloween this year. Strike that, it wasn't pens, but pen, singular, one pen per child. Though they thought it was odd, the parents thought that it did make some sense because you are always looking for one so why not?

Today with the kids was one of normalcy. I have moved on from the "we have to do great things every time I have them" to one of "we will act like a normal family" because I just can't play that one up game, it isn't right. So today we watched tv, got homework done, played on the computer, played with toys, didn't listen to dad, laughed, sighed, rolled our eyes at each other and just enjoyed.

I did pull the wool over their eyes though because they wanted to see their friends in Ohio and I made them pack up their costumes so they could show what they were for Halloween, little did they know that they were invited to go candy begging with my friend's kids. So we went and they were happy to see B and A, but didn't understand why they had to take their costumes. After a bit, they started to understand and when it was time to head out, I had to explain that they were going t.o.t. ing again.

I rock.

Then we made a pit stop, viewed the loot, and then it was time for the parade. A night time parade is always cool and thus I rock again. There were the cops, fire trucks, random floats and R2-D2. The kids liked it and when we got back to my friend's house, the kids went off; candy trading the likes of the stock market, deals of "I'll give you 2 kit-kats for your twix bars", counter offers, "does anybody like these?" "what do you have to trade?" "AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" (sugar kicked in)

So next time, there is going to be a sleep over after much negotiation. Long story involving cleaning, breakfast and football. But right now, it is all good. Good time had by all, tomorrow spend time with grandmother, do laundry, pack for Chicago, Sunday stuff.

Now, though, is time for bed.

zombie mask

Muahahahaaa

As this Halloween wraps up, I am in my living room with my monkeys passed out due to the copius amounts of sugar that they have ingested throughout the day, the original versions of "The Wickerman" on the tube, and an adult beverage on the table.

The day started off with the upstairs neighbors fighting at about 3 this morning and has been a ride since then. I hit the snooze a few more times than I should have so I woke up late. The coffee was a bit weak but that does help with the miles I put on. I hurt from my drive the day before, the back the worse and that worries me, but the sun was out and I tend to be in a good mood when that happens. I really didn't want to work but I knew that it would pass the time and I also worked on my costume, I am not up to the full body monster suit, but working on it.

I found out that the kids were going to miss trick or treating in my neighborhood because it was changed from Friday to Thursday, but my friend invited us to her place to partake of the free begging for sugar so we went. I picked the kids up, we had dinner so as to curb the want for sugar (Yeah, like that worked) and then spent 1.5 hrs walking around my friend's neighborhood and they got good things, I'm talking full sized and no junk. There were no bags of pennies, no apples, no pencils, but Snickers, Reese's Cups, Hershey's and the like. I figured about an easy 8lbs of loot. Tomorrow, that number grows.

I will say that I really wanted to hit on the waitress at the restaurant where we had dinner, but didn't. Part of it was, that she was very appealing, with my luck she was too young. I thought about leaving a business card with my personal number on the back but thought, "Wow, that are being cheesy" so I didn't. But maybe I should have because how many times did she tell the single guy with two kids how polite they were? Yeah, I read too much into things.

I'm just happy because I can see them, they had a "great day" and I am my kid's dad, no matter what.

bacon

Going South (again)

I will spend 4.5 hrs in the beast tomorrow as I head to work in a place that will take me through parts of my state, parts of WV, parts of MD and parts of WV. Then, when work is done, I will drive that same route back home. My butt will hurt a lot, my back will hurt a lot, my mind will hurt a lot because that much time with yourself makes you a bit crazy.

In my last post, I said that I didn't have friends and it came out wrong. I know that I have them it is just not seeing them around, hanging out with them when I really could use to, and just a feeling of isolation that make me say that and it was never my intention too devalue how I think of people. I'm a guy and I say stupid things.

I am off to bed because long hauls make me tired and I just hope the sun is out tomorrow because I need my vitamin D.

daft punk

I have moved on to a point

So, the past week + has been an interesting one. I got into a mood due to the upcoming birthday. I have now moved from a prime number to one that isn't so prime.

I tend to reflect on the past year as my birthday rolls around and all I can say is I am not any where near where I thought I would be. One year ago; wife, kids, dog, house, truck, bills, stuff, parents, family, job, hobby. Now; bills, stuff, parent, family, job. I am going crazy being in the state I am in. I have good days when things seem like they are great and then I have days where they don't. There were going to be changes that I was working on while in my former life, but there were changes going on that I didn't know about. I still hurt at the thought of things and how I could have overlooked things, how I could have been better, how it sucks that I am unhappy.

I read a book where a guy lost the love of his life and was going to go back to his evil ways, but didn't. I have tried to no go back to my evil ways but it is hard. I want to think about the past and think about what I could have done, why things happened when and how they did. I miss my kids and my dog. I need to look to the future and figure out how to handle it. It is tough when you are stuck in the past.

I miss having a friend to talk to be it my ex, my kids or my dog. I don't have friends and I am not a good friend to have. Sometimes I test people to see what they do and they do nothing.

It has been a bad day.

bowling ball

wine and cigars

It sucks.

This time of year was one of joy for me. Sure, there were birthdays to deal with but they didn't bother me other than I am really bad with dates. I loved the changing of the seasons, digging through clothes to find the sweaters, flannels, long pants. The smell in the air of the dead leaves, the look of the trees, and the promise of warm time with ones you love.

I thought about cigars today. I should have placed an order for delivery on November 6th. A sampler because I never knew what to get and being the "bad son" I was the only one to get them for dad. I don't get to do that this year. It sucks.

I thought about waking up on my birthday and not having the kids ask if I have opened their cards. Being the guy I am, I made sure that they got cards for their mom. It sucks.

it sucks.

celery

Cleanliness

Steam cleaning the carpet, scrubbing the bathroom, ironing like a mad man, doing dishes not once but twice, dusting, yeah I am a bit closer to godliness.

Now that my place is clean, it is time to work on my mood. I will admit that I have been in pretty good spirits lately and part of that is because I am not caring too much about what others think. Being a monk, it makes it easy though I will say, I have gotten into dark moods that just really take things out of me. I think part of it is the time of year, part of it is that things are moving forward and I still get stuck in the past.

So, I will sit here eating some ice cream, sweet tooth does show up some times, reading a book that I bought for the kids, listening to what ever comes through the speakers and call it a night. This week coming up is going to be an odd one with things happening at work and Friday I get the kids.

pineapple

Ouch

My knee acted up today when I got out of my office. My back hurt because I left my wallet in my pocket for too long. I have various cuts on my hands from work.

I don't want to give up this job but I might be asked to. It would be a good thing, maybe, if the money is right and the hours are okay. I have heard things, seen sthings and guessed at things for myself with what has happened in the past month at work. I got some sort of confirmation today and it has sent my mind reeling. I know that some people don like what I do, but myabe this is my calling. Maybe I just tend to be good at the jobs I have because of how I am.

I talked to a friend this weekend and she told me that I am still the butt of jokes because I turned down, as it was put at the time, "a sure thing." I was at gathering where I knew very few people, as is often the case, and this one woman was completely wasted and eyeing me up. Was she attractive? Yes she was. Was I a few sheets to the wind? Yes I was. Did I contemplate this "sure thing"? You bet I did. Am I that type of guy? You better believe that I'm not.

I got a double look when I was at work today, actually 2 so that would be one quadruple look? Sometimes I like when things happen to me that don't suck.

socks

List

Having the kids for the weekend: great.

Doing things that take me out of my comfort zone: okay.

Watching "Iron Man" with the boy: awesome.

Being the person who is the reason others loose their jobs: sucks.

Getting great reviews from the higher ups: new.

Watching my little dancer strut her stuff: funny.

Having friends try to set you up on dates: neat.

Having the ex's dog put puke on my leg: gross.

Realizing that it is birthday time: stressful.

Not buying cigars: sad.

Being alone: sucks.

Mini-muffins: tasty.

Getting a new tattoo: soon.

Work: work.

Life: living.

Stuff: there.

Going South

I made the flight at 8:15am which meant I had to leave at 5:30 which is the time I normally wake up. I am not big on flying just because sometimes I get claustrophobic and the tiny planes I was on didn't help. I was an uneventful trip, changing planes in Atlanta and heading deeper south. I read, I listened to music, I dozed off even though I tried not to (they have to pump something into the cabins) and just went.

I got to my destination and there is a lot that needs to be done. I have heard stories about how things are run, how people are feeling and I was only there for a few hours. I am acting as a themometer for the company to see what needs to be done at this one location. So far, I have an idea. I got it from one of the workers and not the higher up. I am a worker but acting like a higher up this week. I am a man of the people.

It seems, though, at the end of the month I get sent to some place to help out. It happened last month in Chicago, this month with Mississippi, and who knows about next month. One thing that is good is that I get a chance to catch up on the paperwork and forms that I am supposed to fill out every day. Another thing is that the kids get postcards from the different places I've been. As a kid, there was nothing like getting real mail. In this age of everything is mailed, something that is had written, travels all over the country and is physical can be cool.

Well, I am off to observe, audit and sweat.
badger claws.

Fog

Yesterday started off foggy. It was a fog that wouldn't lift throughout the day. It was there when I woke up and was there for the morning and even into the afternoon. It put me in a mood. I just didn't like it. Thought too much about the past.

As the fog lifted so did the mood. I think I really need sunny skies or I tend to be grumpy. During the fog, I got phone calls that I didn't want to get. Nothing earth shattering bad, just not good. Kept the fog around. Found out about pay decreases and that isn't good.

I also found out that the company needed someone to go away to help another location. I decided to go; Mississippi here I come. The place of my first tattoo, where I went to on my first flight, where I first met my now ex-father-in-law. I have to fly again.

I was told today what it is I need to do while down there and though it won't be fun, I am going to do it. Also, it might be a way for me to move up in the company and that is not a bad thing. Willing to travel, no one at home waiting for me, making sure that I will still have the kids every other weekend (non-negotiable).

I don't know what else to say. I'm bored, lonely and broke. The kids have a lot of things, the ex has a lot of things, I have hand me downs. Yeah, I'm still in a little fog. Eh, its about time.

blah

Let us abuse the system

I am a blue collar worker. I work hourly. I get paid for an honest days work. I am getting screwed by others who play the system. I know who some of them are and what they have done. They have made me loose money so I don't like them.

Normally, I work between 10 and 12 hours a day, which means I get over time. That helps with paying for things that I have to pay for; rent, child support, food. I count on it and have made it part of my budget. I do work during those hours and I don't take a mandatory lunch break, I drive right through that. I never really know how many hours I am going to work but I don't slack off and often short change myself if I get stuck in traffic, if I have to wait for things, if I am getting gas. I put down the hours I work, the miles I travel, the cars I do, no more no less.

There are others that no matter what put down a flat amount of time. They may travel less than I, do less cars than I, abuse the company vehicle, but I get screwed. Because of these people, the dishonest, the players, the idiots, those of us in the company that are honest lose money. I want to hit the ones I know of with a bat and then say thanks.

I am looking for an additional job so that I can afford my internet connection; needed for work. So I can buy my kids stuff they need; like food when they are with me. So I can save for the future. Do I regret things that have happened in my past, decisions that I have made to get me to where I am? Hell yeah I do. Am I trying to live with them and change? Hell yeah I am. Is it going to be easy? Hell yeah it, um, wait. No, no it isn't.

I am strong like bear.

The Week in Review +

So, I have talked about the many miles I have traveled but now I am going to talk about what has happened to me other than that. It will be random, it won't make sense to anyone but me, but it will be written.

A week ago at this time I was in a different state hanging out with my sistah and my brother. The kids were surrounded by bubbles out the wazoo after a day of international fun and comic books. I met a friend for the "first" time and she was really cool. Boogly was scared of me but then warmed up, I saw a lot of things that were new. It was a good time.

So, last Friday I picked up the kids from school so that we could make the trek to Virginia and it was raining. It rained the whole time down there but I had snacks, note pads and diet pepsi max, which was a bad choice on my part. I gave it to the kids and they were wired the whole trip down. For me, the conversation was good, though erratic, but good. We made the trip in about 5 hrs and then, we were there. The kids were into everything, asking questions, touching what ever they could, being kids. I was beat but it was good to be with family.

We, the kids and I, were treated to some food at a local Mexican restaurant and they ordered kid food, the adults got some good grub and then it was back to the homestead. That is where sistah found out how awesome her bathroom is in the eyes of a 9 and 10 year old. Jacuzzi tub plus Mr. Bubble = "THIS IS AWESOME!!!!" Like a big bowl of Cool-Whip that you could be in. I was jealous. But it was early bed time and so the kids, with help of sistah, mad a fort and zonked out.

Sis and I talked about things on the porch but then heard a crash. Kitteh tried to sleep on the top of the fort but crashed it. Kids still asleep, adults checking, all good. Adults go to sleep and then it is the next day.

The next day: get the kids up, adults have coffee from a really weird machine, kids eat breakfast, everyone gets ready, off we go. The International Childrens Festival. So much for the kids to do, the heat oppressive, the kids keep going until they are grumpy, the adults sweating, the kids keep on going, paint on pants and in hair, really cool thumb drives. Good time.

Saturday night, kids love the tub, sistah and brother forget that kids only have on and off, old new friend comes over. I'll admit that it is tough to be a dad when those around you don't know what it is like. Sure, I want to hang out with the adult, but I have to make sure that the littles are taken care of. Saturday night was one of those nights, but I had help. I got to expierence some adult time with an old new friend. Sistah and brother took the kids for icec and I got to talk to an awesome woman. I liked it.

Sunday, brother had to leave, kids were reading and doing homework (can't let that slide) and it was just a normal Sunday that the monkeys don't get to have. Muffins, cartoons, Boogly.

The rest of the week, after dropping the kids off at their mom's was filled with road work. Driving a lot, regretting that I should have taken a lunch invitation, listening to awesome new music. Meeting another new old friend. (another post in the future)

I'm tired, going to put a movie on and zonk out. Yep, I faded but that is the curse of the lonley single guy.

Take care.

1440

That is how many miles I have traveled this week. From Monday morning until Friday evening, I traveled 1440 miles. Do me a favor and hit the trip reset on your odometer. When you hit 1440 let me know; let me know how long it took, let me know where you went, let me know. I am a road warrior, I am a mobile office, I am Traffic. On that highway that you travel, I might be there. On that back country road, I might be there.

I drive a lot for my job because there are others that won't do it. But I will. I spent 4.5 hrs to go to one place, spend 15 minutes, then drive back to a couple of other places on the way back. I was about an hour away from sistah's place the other day, but being the good company man that I am, I said no to lunch, and trudged on. I had work to do. How sad is that?

The good thing is that, um, I can sit for a really long time? I can entertain myself? I enjoy the things that I see because if I don't I would go crazy? Thank goodness for sistah because when the kids and I went down there (a post to follow) she burned me not 1, not 2, but 3 cds to listen to and they have been in the beast since I got them. Danke sis.

That is what I do, I drive. I drive and work. I don't have a lot. I have my kids when I have them, I have my 3br place, I have my family and I have my very few friends.

I am Traffic.
(need to get the business cards changed)

Oh what a feeling...

Yes, I know that I haven't written anything in quite some time but I don't care. I am a man where I do things when I want, as long as it is okay with others. I wake up when I want to (thanks to the alarm clock) I go to work when I want (but in time to get things done) I eat what I want (as long as it is in the fridge) I am a man that does what the wants when he want to.

Okay, back to reality.

Some updates as they pertain to me; I got offered a job in Chicago to run the office we have out there but with everything that is going on in my life, right now is not the time. I wouldn't be able to see my kids like I do now, and that is what is important. I do like to know that on the professional level I am wanted.

I've been driving like a maniac putting on over 1000 miles a week and all I can say is that I have listened to every single cd I own many times over. I don't listen to the radio because of how it goes in and out as well as annoying commercial breaks. I didn't like them when I worked in radio and I don't like them now as a mere listener.

I don't know about women but who does. The amazing woman that I met and I are constantly talking and texting and such. We talk about everything and it is nice to have someone that is going through some of the things that I am, but on the opposite side, to talk to. Is it going to lead to anything other than friendship? I don't know and I'm not going to think about it. Sometimes I think I come into people's lives when they need me and then I go away. I don't mind it, I am such an angel.

This weekend the kids and I are going to visit my sistah in a different state. I am making it an adventure for the kids by taking them out of school early (one of the most awesome things that can be done) so that we can make the trip south and east. We will get to see the new place, see how big boogly has gotten, hopefully meet some new friends for the first time, and just have a blast. I do have a feeling that I won't see the kids too much because, well, UNCLE D and AUNT L whem they adore.

Well, I'm off to travel western PA and enjoy the sights. I might even work a little today.

Amish

It was a nice couple of weeks

So I met this amazing woman while working one day.  I had a moment of "hey, why not take a chance?" and I did.  I started talking to this woman and over the coarse of the past couple of weeks, we would text to each other, have long email conversations and at one point we were calling each other just to talk.  

That was the downfall for me.  I took things too far and I know that but I couldn't help it.  I thought she was cool to talk to, I respect what is going on in her life and what she is going to be doing. I wanted to get to know her better and maybe go out and stuff like that.  She didn't.  She wanted a friend and I became a jackass.  I came on too strong and now I'm back to being me.  The good thing is that I get to go away for the week because of work.  Just me in a different city in a different time zone.  

I hope that things will change.  I hate this feeling of being alone.  

my phone

rang 2 times today.
one time was my boss, one time was my mom.
i should get rid of it cause i don't really need it.
solitude
any one need some?
come september, 1/2 year it will be
good thing i got the books
i try optimism every day, it is not easy to do
each week makes it harder

Views from my office windows

I took these one day while working. This is the type of stuff I get to see everyday. Notice how there really aren't any other people in the pictures? Well, that is how things are sometimes, no one else in the picture. I'm getting good at this alone thing.

weekend fun

This was one of those weekends where I had the kids and we did family stuff.
I picked them up on Friday and then we went up to my mom's because that is where the "parking lot" and I showed the kids my company car. C'mon, a black trailblazer to a 10yo is pretty cool.
After stopping by mom's, we headed across the border to one of the biggest flea markets. $20 a kid, with the endless amount of stuff that was there equals 2 webkinz, dog tags, and trading cards not to mention chili dogs, nachos, lemonade and Italian sausage.
We checked out the local park that is just across the street, the kids ran around like crazy (even dad had some fun) and then just did stuff that I miss doing with them; answering the crazy questions, telling them to stop the fighting, getting the hugs.
It was a good weekend

Part time dad

It sucks to be a part time dad. I don't get to be there when the things are going good or when the things are going bad. Case in point, my son got in trouble today at day care and I got to be "mean dad" over the phone. I can hear in his voice that he really isn't paying attention to me because I can hear the new dog, mom and bf in the background.
That's the part that sucks. Not being there and having words fall on pre-occupied ears. Or when talking to my daughter, having bf's daughter in the background and thus things I say go unheard. Even the "I love you" get a "What?"
eh, C'est la vie.

Yes, I'm still here

Okay, so I haven't written much and that is because I've been busy. You see, since my events, I've been staying with my mom. Yes, I could be the butt of many jokes and I have, but I think it was something that needed to be done. Having something secure like that, for both of us, was needed due to the blows that were dealt.
Now, though, things have changed.
One thing that I needed to do was wait for the right place to become available. "Right place? You mean with walls and stuff? " Kind of. I needed to make sure that the kids had their own rooms so that even though I don't have them that much, they know that when they are with dad, they are home. I also needed a place in my budget because watching part of your paycheck go away each and every time, though it is for the kids, is tough. So it took some time but I'm back in single guy mode.
Not only that, but I've been painting because, well, it is an apartment, and there are frogs in the bathroom (the ex's favorite), I've been working like crazy to keep those paychecks coming, and I haven't had a keyboard on this computer. Do you understand how hard it is to type when you have to go letter by letter for a guy that took not one, but two years of typing in H.S. and wrote countless papers in college? It is not easy.
Also, with all this time to myself to think, I haven't been in the best moods. It is like I finally get to grieve about the losses that I've had, to reflect on what I have lost and to look forward to what might happen. I've realized that I am lonely. Sure I have friends and family but I don't have anyone I can just talk to and that is tough. I can talk to certain people about certain things but noboy to talk about everything to. I know that will change but I'm impatient.
So, now that I have a keyboard, I will post more.
Funky Cold Medina

What a weekend

Okay, so I should have posted this Monday, or even Sunday, but I didn't want to.  So...

This weekend the kids and I went up to my friends campground for a little 4th party and it was fun.  I was lucky because the week before I was invited up there to see what it was like before the kids got there.  It is a whole different world from what I was used to or expecting.

I was expecting a bunch of campers kind of close to each other, with some woods near by but that is not at all what it is like.  A lot of the people have it as their weekend homes in the summer.  Sure, they are based off of campers, my friend has a 34 ft one, but that is where things end.  There are really nice decks, special pavilions, paver walkways, and yet completely in the woods.  The best way around is by modified golf carts and people go from place to place, stopping and just talking with people from all over.

Now to the time I had with the kids.  We got to use my friends pop up which is just a place to sleep for the three of us because we spent about that much time in there.  We got there on Friday when it was starting to rain and it rained the whole day.  Now, what happens when there is rain and dirt?  Mud.  Do kids like mud? Yes!  My son went through every change of clothes that he had brought by 11pm.  My daughter, almost every change.  At one point, my son was covered from head to toe and dripping mud as were other kids.  I think that the only thing that any parent said was "Laundry tomorrow".  

The next day, sure there was mud, but there were berry patches, rope swings, other kids with swords, watching dad make a fire using only wood and a lighter (and then half a bottle of lighter fluid and thin wood flats 2 hrs later), hotdogs cooked over said fire, swimming, more mud, a movie at the neighbors and a big star wars battle on the road until about 2am.

Yeah, it was great fun.  It would be nice if dad found a play friend next time.

Happy Birthday America!!

So tomorrow is Independence Day and I'm going to celebrate it with some friends.  One friend has invited my kids and I to his camp because they are throwing a party for his son, D.  I have the utmost respect for D because he has been fighting for what we live everyday.  I have heard the stories about D from his dad about what he was like as a kid, through the teenage years until he decided to join the Army.

I feel honored to be part of a celebration for this kid.  I don't know him but I feel that I do from hearing the stories, seeing the worry on his parents faces, and worrying about him because he is the closest person that I know that has fought for us.

So tomorrow, while surrounded by friends and enjoying the fun, just remember that it took a lot to get where we are.  Brothers, Sisters, Sons, Daughters, Friends, Neighbors, The Person Down the Street, all of them.  They are still doing what needs to be done.

My hat is off to those fighting for what we have.

The car is alive with the sound of

me screeching.

So today I had a nice little jaunt that only took me about 2.5 hrs to get there.  That is a good deal of car singing in my case.  Now, I'll say that I have no problem with belting out the hits that I know the words to, but only in the confines of the Buick.  I'll be the first to admit that I can't hit some of the high notes, or low notes, or note in between, but I enjoy it.  One of the only problems is that I try to sing along with such things as opera, (yeah, have not one bit of understanding of what I'm singing or if I'm making the right words), jazz that has no real words (I make those up depending on what I am seeing) and dance type stuff (yeah, I sing beeps and hoots).

Now, after those 2.5 hrs of car singing, I did the job I had to do which took all of 20 mins, and then I had another 90 min until I got to the next place.  So yeah, I sung.  But I got tired so I thought.

I could get into what I was thinking but I'll leave it at it dealt with women and how it's been over 4 months for anything, I mean anything, other than a few innocent touches.

It was a long day, and not in a good way.

plink

Alone in the rain

All along the roads today I encountered rain.

Some of it was the annoying, light spray while driving into the sun that made it hard to see, and some of it was the heavy downpour that made it seem as if there were no wipers.  I didn't get a lot done today.

One thing that I did get done was thinking.  It has been about 8 years since I didn't have someone to talk to when ever I wanted.  Someone to share the moments of excitement and boredom.  Someone that was there for me as I was for her.  That is now gone and I spend time alone.  Sure, I have people to talk to and such as that, but not a special person and sometimes that sucks.

This weekend I got hit with it again.  I was with friends, they were all families, and there were times that it really sucked.  Being the guy that was sitting alone among the group.  Eh, that will change at some point, but sometimes it seems too far away.

I need someone, a person to talk to....

I  love old cds that I burned years ago.  

With the new aspect of my job, I have a lot of time with just me and cds (my current vehicle doesn't support those mptrees everyone is using) so I go physical with a compact disc.  I pulled one out of my archive and listened.  I had miles of fun. (In no particular order)

The Clarkes

The Violent Femmes

Elvis 

Tocatta in D minor

Fatboy Slim

John Cougar Mellencamp

Louie Prima

Beer Barrel Polka

good stuff for trips around where you don't care how cool you are because you are driving a buick.

Today, though, I did actually buy something and I enjoyed it.  Please, don't roll your eyes or think "wow, what a sheep" but I've heard good things about the new Coldplay record and I got it.  It is good driving music because there were times that it was background music and there were times that it was sing-a-long stuff.

Ha, and you thought it was going to be a "oh, woe is me" type post.

I thought about going that route, but nope, things will happen when they happen.

Well, I'm off to do some more ninja training. I've always been good at sneaking up on people so......

Views out the windshield

Okay, so I've noticed something while traveling my part of the state for the past few days and what I've noticed is bug eyes.  

What the hell?

Giant sunglasses on women, and yes I am constantly checking them out, make me laugh.  I just wish I could stop time, draw high fake eyebrows and make white pupils so they looked like cartoon characters.  

I would love to just go into a store and buy sunglasses, but alas, I am unable.  I have glasses so I have clip on sun blockers.  Or, if I am feeling really hot, I have dark prescription ones that make me look hotter than ever.  (I'm making myself feel good so eeehhh)

Anyway, big buggy sunglasses make me laugh.

I see them a lot.

On the road again

Off to face the world of dirty people driving dirty cars in all kinds of places around this end of the state.  I've done it before, just for a few days here and there, but it becomes official tomorrow.  

Sure, right now it's great because the weather is nice, I get to drive through some really nice areas and some of the roads are just fun to drive on.  I've been a driver for a long time.

When I was in high school, I would go out for a drive and have no idea where I was going.  I would make lefts and rights without thinking about it what so ever.  I once found a really cool abandoned strip mine, there is a small town in Ohio that has a log cabin for the post office and the countless "roller coaster" hills are great fun.

The past of just driving lead me to one job that I had that people don't believe that I had, and was good at.  I was a repo man.  If you look at me, you would never guess that I stole cars legally.  (okay, so it really isn't stealing)  I went for the interview, met with the c.e.o. of the very successful business, and was asked why I would be good for the job.  I recanted the story of going out for drives without maps and that was part of the reason i got the job.  

Repo'ing is boring accentuated by moments of pure adrenaline. Driving for 4 hours to find a truck in the middle of a junk yard surrounded by disabled junkers with a man who could only be a viking (about 6'10, no less than 300lbs and a red beard down to mid chest) walking toward you.  You can panic, act like an ass, be "mr. toughguy"  or talk the guy into moving the junkers and giving up the keys.  I like talking people out of their cars when I had to, preferred to just hop in and take it.  

I've taken cars from small town convenience stores, from back in some woods, out of garages and from a parking space only about 2 ft from where the debtor was eating dinner.  I've had people threaten me with big dogs, handled with gum, threaten me with rakes, apparently I was leafy that day, and knives, cops involved with that on.

No, I get to be on the road again and I just hope there are no knives involved this time around.  I don't think it there will be knives, just car salesmen unhappy that I'm not there to buy anything.

Getting pretty, I mean handsome

Okay, so I have a wedding to go to on Saturday and I needed some stuff.  One thing was a haircut.  I'm not into those $150 places just because I'm not (g.o.b. way of thinking) so I went to a no appointment establishment.  They took longer than I though they needed to do but I'm not complaining.  Having a woman caress your head is never a bad thing.

So after the haircut, I needed a new suit because the last time I wore anything close to a suit, the pants were a rush job that my wife (at the time) ran out and got me and the rest was my dad's.  It was for my dad's viewing and I am just glad that he lost the weight that he did, or things would have looked funny.  (I know, how dare I talk that way, but I know dad would).

A funny thing about that, I was looking for something to wear to my dad's viewing and I went into his closet, found a great suit, tried on the jacket and thought that it was a left over from his fat time cause it hung on me like a bed sheet.  I talked to my sis about it and it turns out that it actually belonged to my brudder in law.  I didn't say anything to him about trying on his jacket, but snickered when I saw him wear it.

Anyway, I got a suit, black because it goes with anything, and surprised by the size.  I have always thought of myself as a certain size when it come to clothes, but I can actually wear things other than XL.  So I have a black suit, with a gray shirt and one of the "jerry garcia" ties, a classic that has been around forever, to wear.  I am ready to break some hearts....as long as they don't look at my hair.

I have the grey going on.  Now, I have colored it before and though it did cover it, I thought it looked weird.  I used to have facial hair, more grey than anything else, and my slash of grey on top made me look a lot older, but not no more.  I still have the slash of grey, distinction, but I don't know how to style it.  (is it weird that a guy is thinking this stuff?) So, tomorrow is going to be fun....no really it is.

Oh, trust me, I have scenarios going through my head that involve me being so cool that the women just fall over me, but I am allowed to dream, right?

I'm just glad to get out among those that know the 80s and such.

eh

Learning to deal with not being there

That is one of the hardest parts of a divorce, not being there as you were.  I don't get to see my kids everyday and listen to them talk, sing, laugh, bicker, talk back, any of that.  I don't get to see the looks on their faces when they think no one is watching.  I don't get to be there like I was, and that hurts.

I used to know what they were up to, because that is a parent's job to know.  Now, though I do talk to them everyday, I am not there.  I hear about what they do during the day, I hear from their mother what they have done or are going to do, but it isn't the same as being there with them.  To have them say "Dad, come look at this!" or "Hey Dad, can I go with them?".  I don't get to do that.

Please don't think that I never see my kids, because if I didn't see them, I probably wouldn't be here to type about it.  They are the 2 things that really helped me get through some really tough things.  This is tough.

I've had people tell me that they know what it is like and I just want to yell at them "BULLSHIT! You got to be with your kids when they were growing up everyday!  You don't know!"  But I keep it to myself.

I understand that there are a lot of people out there that are going through what I'm going through, but each person's expierence is their own.  Sure, we can relate to others on some levels, but each situation is unique.

I'm learning to be the best dad that I can be under the circumstances.  That means I worry everyday about if they are safe, if they are protected, if they are first in other's minds as they are in mine.

I'm learning a lot

The stress diet

I was never a skinny kid except for when I was really young, and I'm talking single digits old.  There is a picture of me with my best friend around a camp fire and we looked like the number 10 reversed.

I don't know why I was always a big guy, but it did help to shape the way that I am.  I was quiet, recluse, and deep into books.  Being the big shy kid made getting friends hard.  I was always the funny kid for I used it to try to be popular.  In elementary school, it wasn't so bad because kids that age don't care too much.

Middle school was a different story.  Girls were on my mind; I can still remember the 2 girls that I was ga-ga for, and one was half of a set of twins.  The problem with being a big guy was that I was looked at as friend material.  So I looked to sports to get popular and the girl.  I played football.

I had visions making the great plays, getting the girl, being popular.  That wasn't the case for this defensive lineman.  Nope not at all. Then in high school, after moving to a new place (yup, not good for this guy) I first started to revert into my shy mode, I read just about everything that Stephen King had written up to that point, but then.....a soccer team started.

I went for it.  I knew nothing and was playing against those who played for years.  I started to loose the weight due to the constant running, which lead me to pursue being a lifeguard.  Soccer, lifeguard all in the name of getting a girl (at that time, I wasn't picky, I was a teenager. sheesh, stop hounding me)

So in high school, I lost weight, was a tanned up, life guarding and thought it was going to turn out.  It didn't happen, sure I heard that so-and-so really liked me but had a boyfriend, but I just wasn't a chick magnet.  So off to college I go.....

In college I found food, booze, sleep and the occasional woman that would give me the time of day.  More, though, it was food, booze and sleep.  I went from 186 at h.s. graduation up to 250 when I graduated college.  That didn't help with a lot of stuff.  

Over the years, I tried to loose the weight, found a girl that wanted me, fell into what I thought was going to be the rest of my life and in the past 5 years, was about 280 at my heaviest.  I was never happy, but I tried to loose it but just couldn't.

Then I found the stress diet.

Before the stresses, over 3 years I had dropped to about 240 and I could carry it well.  I knew what clothes to wear, how to hold myself.  So that's about 4o in 3 years to drop? Not bad some might say.

After the stresses, in the past 4 months I've dropped to under 200.  I know, you might say that it's stress, it isn't healthy, you'll get it back.  But what I've noticed is that my habits have changed from what they were before.  I eat small meals, I don't eat after 6pm, drink lots of water and have been working out just about everyday.  I do cardio, as well as low weight, high reps because I don't want to be all bulked up, I want to look good.  Now for someone to notice.

But I do have some weaknesses, like chunky monkey because I do love banana ice cream.

eek eek

Thinking about changing

Okay, so I went through some life changing things and one thing it taught me was that I have to try and change who I am.
This must be true for I've been told it several times.
I am an introvert.
I'm not comfortable being loud, in the spotlight, being out there.
I like to hang back, observe and interject when I feel I can.
Yet, I've been told I have to change who I am.
There are things that I like to do, but have been told I have to change them if I want to get out there among others. That doesn't seem right to me. To change who I am, what I like, so that I can fit in with others.
Get out there and start up conversations with strangers? It took my dad years to get to that point, and I'm expected to do it in just a few months?
I take after my dad; quiet, stoic, great sense of humor when it's shown, great hair.
But I have to change. I don't want to.
I think I'm pretty okay the way I am because it helps me to weed out people that shouldn't be in my life for they don't understand what it is like being an introvert.
I have friends (sure, a very small number) but they know what I'm like and don't try to force me to be like them, for they are extroverts. They know my background and understand some of the reasons I am how I am and accept that.
Sure, I would love to be the life of the party, when I walk into a room everyone turns their head and a cheer goes up, but that isn't me.
I spent a lot of time alone growing up. I was good at it and over the years it has been harder and harder to break myself of it. I do try but sometimes it backfires and I end up taking 2 steps back.
I know that some people might just say, "Just get out there and be yourself" but if I do, I am doing what they don't want me to do. Sheesh.
I need more coffee, doing this opening up stuff is new to me.

I hate 4:15

Since Monday, I've been waking up for no perceivable reason at 4:15 am. I wake up, look at the clock and decide whether or not to get moving.

Today, I got moving.

The only problem with that time is that there is a need to be quiet because everything around is quiet. So I was quiet. I did some thinking.

That can be dangerous.

I thought about what brought me to the point in my life where I currently stand and realized that it's the stuff that books are written about. So I figured that this will be my book of sorts and I think I'll put a llama in here somewhere.

Actually, I can put a llama in the great big story of me, and it won't be fiction.
I've actually thought about writing a book because books have helped me get through a lot and I even have a title, I just haven't put fingers to keyboard yet.
Yes there will be a llama.

Being strong can suck

I've been told that I've handled things really well.

I had to, because I'm strong, I have to be strong.  

I have 2 kids that mean the world to me, and to be the world to them, I have to make sure that I am strong.  I have to be strong so they know they can count on me, know they are safe with me, know things will be alright.

I have to be strong because I'm not there most of the time.  I want to be, but I'm not so I have to be strong.

I am still trying to be strong, but sometimes it just sucks.

Sometimes I would like to be weak.

It has been awhile

I used to do this a long time ago, in a life I used to have.

But that has changed.

At first the change was bad, real bad, and it came at me like greased up walrus on a slip-n-slide.  There were two things that changed my world, but it's been awhile since they happened.

I'm gettting better at things, again.

I've had to learn how to do things differently, without support that I thought I would have, how to be an individual instead of a pair, how to be me again.

I'm doing it.  

Sure, maybe not as fast as I thought that I would, or would like, but sometimes things take time.  

I've got some of that.