Learning to deal with not being there

That is one of the hardest parts of a divorce, not being there as you were.  I don't get to see my kids everyday and listen to them talk, sing, laugh, bicker, talk back, any of that.  I don't get to see the looks on their faces when they think no one is watching.  I don't get to be there like I was, and that hurts.

I used to know what they were up to, because that is a parent's job to know.  Now, though I do talk to them everyday, I am not there.  I hear about what they do during the day, I hear from their mother what they have done or are going to do, but it isn't the same as being there with them.  To have them say "Dad, come look at this!" or "Hey Dad, can I go with them?".  I don't get to do that.

Please don't think that I never see my kids, because if I didn't see them, I probably wouldn't be here to type about it.  They are the 2 things that really helped me get through some really tough things.  This is tough.

I've had people tell me that they know what it is like and I just want to yell at them "BULLSHIT! You got to be with your kids when they were growing up everyday!  You don't know!"  But I keep it to myself.

I understand that there are a lot of people out there that are going through what I'm going through, but each person's expierence is their own.  Sure, we can relate to others on some levels, but each situation is unique.

I'm learning to be the best dad that I can be under the circumstances.  That means I worry everyday about if they are safe, if they are protected, if they are first in other's minds as they are in mine.

I'm learning a lot