Alone in the rain

All along the roads today I encountered rain.

Some of it was the annoying, light spray while driving into the sun that made it hard to see, and some of it was the heavy downpour that made it seem as if there were no wipers.  I didn't get a lot done today.

One thing that I did get done was thinking.  It has been about 8 years since I didn't have someone to talk to when ever I wanted.  Someone to share the moments of excitement and boredom.  Someone that was there for me as I was for her.  That is now gone and I spend time alone.  Sure, I have people to talk to and such as that, but not a special person and sometimes that sucks.

This weekend I got hit with it again.  I was with friends, they were all families, and there were times that it really sucked.  Being the guy that was sitting alone among the group.  Eh, that will change at some point, but sometimes it seems too far away.

I need someone, a person to talk to....

I  love old cds that I burned years ago.  

With the new aspect of my job, I have a lot of time with just me and cds (my current vehicle doesn't support those mptrees everyone is using) so I go physical with a compact disc.  I pulled one out of my archive and listened.  I had miles of fun. (In no particular order)

The Clarkes

The Violent Femmes

Elvis 

Tocatta in D minor

Fatboy Slim

John Cougar Mellencamp

Louie Prima

Beer Barrel Polka

good stuff for trips around where you don't care how cool you are because you are driving a buick.

Today, though, I did actually buy something and I enjoyed it.  Please, don't roll your eyes or think "wow, what a sheep" but I've heard good things about the new Coldplay record and I got it.  It is good driving music because there were times that it was background music and there were times that it was sing-a-long stuff.

Ha, and you thought it was going to be a "oh, woe is me" type post.

I thought about going that route, but nope, things will happen when they happen.

Well, I'm off to do some more ninja training. I've always been good at sneaking up on people so......

Views out the windshield

Okay, so I've noticed something while traveling my part of the state for the past few days and what I've noticed is bug eyes.  

What the hell?

Giant sunglasses on women, and yes I am constantly checking them out, make me laugh.  I just wish I could stop time, draw high fake eyebrows and make white pupils so they looked like cartoon characters.  

I would love to just go into a store and buy sunglasses, but alas, I am unable.  I have glasses so I have clip on sun blockers.  Or, if I am feeling really hot, I have dark prescription ones that make me look hotter than ever.  (I'm making myself feel good so eeehhh)

Anyway, big buggy sunglasses make me laugh.

I see them a lot.

On the road again

Off to face the world of dirty people driving dirty cars in all kinds of places around this end of the state.  I've done it before, just for a few days here and there, but it becomes official tomorrow.  

Sure, right now it's great because the weather is nice, I get to drive through some really nice areas and some of the roads are just fun to drive on.  I've been a driver for a long time.

When I was in high school, I would go out for a drive and have no idea where I was going.  I would make lefts and rights without thinking about it what so ever.  I once found a really cool abandoned strip mine, there is a small town in Ohio that has a log cabin for the post office and the countless "roller coaster" hills are great fun.

The past of just driving lead me to one job that I had that people don't believe that I had, and was good at.  I was a repo man.  If you look at me, you would never guess that I stole cars legally.  (okay, so it really isn't stealing)  I went for the interview, met with the c.e.o. of the very successful business, and was asked why I would be good for the job.  I recanted the story of going out for drives without maps and that was part of the reason i got the job.  

Repo'ing is boring accentuated by moments of pure adrenaline. Driving for 4 hours to find a truck in the middle of a junk yard surrounded by disabled junkers with a man who could only be a viking (about 6'10, no less than 300lbs and a red beard down to mid chest) walking toward you.  You can panic, act like an ass, be "mr. toughguy"  or talk the guy into moving the junkers and giving up the keys.  I like talking people out of their cars when I had to, preferred to just hop in and take it.  

I've taken cars from small town convenience stores, from back in some woods, out of garages and from a parking space only about 2 ft from where the debtor was eating dinner.  I've had people threaten me with big dogs, handled with gum, threaten me with rakes, apparently I was leafy that day, and knives, cops involved with that on.

No, I get to be on the road again and I just hope there are no knives involved this time around.  I don't think it there will be knives, just car salesmen unhappy that I'm not there to buy anything.

Getting pretty, I mean handsome

Okay, so I have a wedding to go to on Saturday and I needed some stuff.  One thing was a haircut.  I'm not into those $150 places just because I'm not (g.o.b. way of thinking) so I went to a no appointment establishment.  They took longer than I though they needed to do but I'm not complaining.  Having a woman caress your head is never a bad thing.

So after the haircut, I needed a new suit because the last time I wore anything close to a suit, the pants were a rush job that my wife (at the time) ran out and got me and the rest was my dad's.  It was for my dad's viewing and I am just glad that he lost the weight that he did, or things would have looked funny.  (I know, how dare I talk that way, but I know dad would).

A funny thing about that, I was looking for something to wear to my dad's viewing and I went into his closet, found a great suit, tried on the jacket and thought that it was a left over from his fat time cause it hung on me like a bed sheet.  I talked to my sis about it and it turns out that it actually belonged to my brudder in law.  I didn't say anything to him about trying on his jacket, but snickered when I saw him wear it.

Anyway, I got a suit, black because it goes with anything, and surprised by the size.  I have always thought of myself as a certain size when it come to clothes, but I can actually wear things other than XL.  So I have a black suit, with a gray shirt and one of the "jerry garcia" ties, a classic that has been around forever, to wear.  I am ready to break some hearts....as long as they don't look at my hair.

I have the grey going on.  Now, I have colored it before and though it did cover it, I thought it looked weird.  I used to have facial hair, more grey than anything else, and my slash of grey on top made me look a lot older, but not no more.  I still have the slash of grey, distinction, but I don't know how to style it.  (is it weird that a guy is thinking this stuff?) So, tomorrow is going to be fun....no really it is.

Oh, trust me, I have scenarios going through my head that involve me being so cool that the women just fall over me, but I am allowed to dream, right?

I'm just glad to get out among those that know the 80s and such.

eh

Learning to deal with not being there

That is one of the hardest parts of a divorce, not being there as you were.  I don't get to see my kids everyday and listen to them talk, sing, laugh, bicker, talk back, any of that.  I don't get to see the looks on their faces when they think no one is watching.  I don't get to be there like I was, and that hurts.

I used to know what they were up to, because that is a parent's job to know.  Now, though I do talk to them everyday, I am not there.  I hear about what they do during the day, I hear from their mother what they have done or are going to do, but it isn't the same as being there with them.  To have them say "Dad, come look at this!" or "Hey Dad, can I go with them?".  I don't get to do that.

Please don't think that I never see my kids, because if I didn't see them, I probably wouldn't be here to type about it.  They are the 2 things that really helped me get through some really tough things.  This is tough.

I've had people tell me that they know what it is like and I just want to yell at them "BULLSHIT! You got to be with your kids when they were growing up everyday!  You don't know!"  But I keep it to myself.

I understand that there are a lot of people out there that are going through what I'm going through, but each person's expierence is their own.  Sure, we can relate to others on some levels, but each situation is unique.

I'm learning to be the best dad that I can be under the circumstances.  That means I worry everyday about if they are safe, if they are protected, if they are first in other's minds as they are in mine.

I'm learning a lot

The stress diet

I was never a skinny kid except for when I was really young, and I'm talking single digits old.  There is a picture of me with my best friend around a camp fire and we looked like the number 10 reversed.

I don't know why I was always a big guy, but it did help to shape the way that I am.  I was quiet, recluse, and deep into books.  Being the big shy kid made getting friends hard.  I was always the funny kid for I used it to try to be popular.  In elementary school, it wasn't so bad because kids that age don't care too much.

Middle school was a different story.  Girls were on my mind; I can still remember the 2 girls that I was ga-ga for, and one was half of a set of twins.  The problem with being a big guy was that I was looked at as friend material.  So I looked to sports to get popular and the girl.  I played football.

I had visions making the great plays, getting the girl, being popular.  That wasn't the case for this defensive lineman.  Nope not at all. Then in high school, after moving to a new place (yup, not good for this guy) I first started to revert into my shy mode, I read just about everything that Stephen King had written up to that point, but then.....a soccer team started.

I went for it.  I knew nothing and was playing against those who played for years.  I started to loose the weight due to the constant running, which lead me to pursue being a lifeguard.  Soccer, lifeguard all in the name of getting a girl (at that time, I wasn't picky, I was a teenager. sheesh, stop hounding me)

So in high school, I lost weight, was a tanned up, life guarding and thought it was going to turn out.  It didn't happen, sure I heard that so-and-so really liked me but had a boyfriend, but I just wasn't a chick magnet.  So off to college I go.....

In college I found food, booze, sleep and the occasional woman that would give me the time of day.  More, though, it was food, booze and sleep.  I went from 186 at h.s. graduation up to 250 when I graduated college.  That didn't help with a lot of stuff.  

Over the years, I tried to loose the weight, found a girl that wanted me, fell into what I thought was going to be the rest of my life and in the past 5 years, was about 280 at my heaviest.  I was never happy, but I tried to loose it but just couldn't.

Then I found the stress diet.

Before the stresses, over 3 years I had dropped to about 240 and I could carry it well.  I knew what clothes to wear, how to hold myself.  So that's about 4o in 3 years to drop? Not bad some might say.

After the stresses, in the past 4 months I've dropped to under 200.  I know, you might say that it's stress, it isn't healthy, you'll get it back.  But what I've noticed is that my habits have changed from what they were before.  I eat small meals, I don't eat after 6pm, drink lots of water and have been working out just about everyday.  I do cardio, as well as low weight, high reps because I don't want to be all bulked up, I want to look good.  Now for someone to notice.

But I do have some weaknesses, like chunky monkey because I do love banana ice cream.

eek eek

Thinking about changing

Okay, so I went through some life changing things and one thing it taught me was that I have to try and change who I am.
This must be true for I've been told it several times.
I am an introvert.
I'm not comfortable being loud, in the spotlight, being out there.
I like to hang back, observe and interject when I feel I can.
Yet, I've been told I have to change who I am.
There are things that I like to do, but have been told I have to change them if I want to get out there among others. That doesn't seem right to me. To change who I am, what I like, so that I can fit in with others.
Get out there and start up conversations with strangers? It took my dad years to get to that point, and I'm expected to do it in just a few months?
I take after my dad; quiet, stoic, great sense of humor when it's shown, great hair.
But I have to change. I don't want to.
I think I'm pretty okay the way I am because it helps me to weed out people that shouldn't be in my life for they don't understand what it is like being an introvert.
I have friends (sure, a very small number) but they know what I'm like and don't try to force me to be like them, for they are extroverts. They know my background and understand some of the reasons I am how I am and accept that.
Sure, I would love to be the life of the party, when I walk into a room everyone turns their head and a cheer goes up, but that isn't me.
I spent a lot of time alone growing up. I was good at it and over the years it has been harder and harder to break myself of it. I do try but sometimes it backfires and I end up taking 2 steps back.
I know that some people might just say, "Just get out there and be yourself" but if I do, I am doing what they don't want me to do. Sheesh.
I need more coffee, doing this opening up stuff is new to me.

I hate 4:15

Since Monday, I've been waking up for no perceivable reason at 4:15 am. I wake up, look at the clock and decide whether or not to get moving.

Today, I got moving.

The only problem with that time is that there is a need to be quiet because everything around is quiet. So I was quiet. I did some thinking.

That can be dangerous.

I thought about what brought me to the point in my life where I currently stand and realized that it's the stuff that books are written about. So I figured that this will be my book of sorts and I think I'll put a llama in here somewhere.

Actually, I can put a llama in the great big story of me, and it won't be fiction.
I've actually thought about writing a book because books have helped me get through a lot and I even have a title, I just haven't put fingers to keyboard yet.
Yes there will be a llama.

Being strong can suck

I've been told that I've handled things really well.

I had to, because I'm strong, I have to be strong.  

I have 2 kids that mean the world to me, and to be the world to them, I have to make sure that I am strong.  I have to be strong so they know they can count on me, know they are safe with me, know things will be alright.

I have to be strong because I'm not there most of the time.  I want to be, but I'm not so I have to be strong.

I am still trying to be strong, but sometimes it just sucks.

Sometimes I would like to be weak.

It has been awhile

I used to do this a long time ago, in a life I used to have.

But that has changed.

At first the change was bad, real bad, and it came at me like greased up walrus on a slip-n-slide.  There were two things that changed my world, but it's been awhile since they happened.

I'm gettting better at things, again.

I've had to learn how to do things differently, without support that I thought I would have, how to be an individual instead of a pair, how to be me again.

I'm doing it.  

Sure, maybe not as fast as I thought that I would, or would like, but sometimes things take time.  

I've got some of that.